I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
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ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*