I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
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Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
This was the best day of my life
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.