I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
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What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE