I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
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Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.