I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
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My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
When I laugh on my period
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.