I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
You Might Also Like
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Can’t. About to go please some beans
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Stick it to the man