[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]

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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.


Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.


My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise


I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.


me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”


On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.


Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.


I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.