[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
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[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
“What movie?” 🤔
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.