Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bourgeoisalien

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

@karlainvt

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

@T_Bonezzz_

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

@ZachSvobodny

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

@dadmann_walking

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

@KeetPotato

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

@1Happytwit

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

@TurboJellyBean

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.