I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.