I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
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you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Oh. My. God.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird