I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.