I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
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“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Made something I’m not proud of
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Did I do this right
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”