@LazerPunch

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

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@sofarrsogud

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

@UncleDuke1969

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

@SnarkyMommy78

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

@WheelTod

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

@idiosity

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

@NotThatNixon

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

@Kimgee8

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

@VikingBut

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.