Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

I’m having an out of money experience.

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.