I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
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I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.