I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
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I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Most fashion shows these days…
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.