I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*