I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
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If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.