I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
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It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket