I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
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My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
*frowns in Scottish*
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
ME: …mint condition.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
What are you eating?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]