I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Fluff me with a fork baby
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: