“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
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If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?