I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
You Might Also Like
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
This is enough internet for the day.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.