[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
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4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
(Spelling is hard)
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.
Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Your resume just says “falconer”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”