@DosieDoe

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

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@Tmoney68

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

@LurkAtHomeMom

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

@ObKeeng

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

@TheBoydP

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

@HashtagAbdul

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

@BubblesnBooze

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

@MarfSalvador

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

@envydatropic

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

@Marlebean

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

@huntigula

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”