@DosieDoe

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

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@ericsshadow

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

@choniepony

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

@timdonakowski

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

@noog

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

@noog

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

@robdelaney

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

@robyn_vo

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.