I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
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Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Welcome to the stomach
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?