I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Genius idea!!
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.