I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
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I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it