I really had high hopes for this year though
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Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.