I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
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Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
and now we wait
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
How times have changed.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.