I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
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it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding