I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
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—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
“OMGJK” -atheists
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
…żyje?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.