I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
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You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait