I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
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science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
i love modern commerce
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
meanwhile over on facebook
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???