I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
You deplete me
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
awkward
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em