@ozzyunc

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

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@mrtruthandsoul

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

@clemdytan

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

@PyrBliss

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

@twayne1010

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

@Tmoney68

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

@joeljeffrey

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.