I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

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How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?


I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.


My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.


I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.


Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?


*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*


I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.