I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
don’t we all
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.