“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
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When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.