i really liked this one
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
definitely did not do anything wrong
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
you gotta be faster
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat