@NikiWithIssues

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. πŸ™

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@ramblinma

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

@jonnysun

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

@rebrafsim

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

@BillFienberg

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

@clichedout

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

@elle91

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

@ThoughtOtter

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

@JoParkerBear

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST