@1KelliBelle LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
@NikiWithIssues I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
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@1KelliBelle 
@icrushedmyhalo Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
@melibuff Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
@WilliamAder The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
@mrtruthandsoul Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
@jonnysun she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
@joeljeffrey When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
@pmclellan So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
@Erin1137 *tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
@aka_fatman It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.