@NikiWithIssues

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

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@icrushedmyhalo

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

@melibuff

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

@WilliamAder

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

@jonnysun

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

@joeljeffrey

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

@pmclellan

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

@Erin1137

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

@aka_fatman

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.