Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

When your man makes a valid point

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.