I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
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Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.