I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Start the year as you intend to continue.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
🙅🏻
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.