“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
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Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Body by cheese-puffs.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.