I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
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Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream