@mattkoff

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

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@trevso_electric

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

@jojipaints

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

@LeonEarlgrey

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

@ceejoyner

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

@NYC_Blonde

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

@Leslie_Annie

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

@carlyken

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

@Cornjerker78

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

@patsatweetin

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?