I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

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“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery


Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.


Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.


No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.


A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.


Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.


Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]


Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.


What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?