@JPHaddadio

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

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@greenmartinis

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

@batkaren

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

@AngieDavisHaha

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

@doggiedogthedog

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

@KeetPotato

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

@internetluke

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

@clichedout

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

@

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

@ShaeAaron

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.