I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?