I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.


Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?


I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.


My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.


did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”


[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan


WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please


Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream


My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.