“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
You Might Also Like
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
yea so i messed up lol
This is amazing.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”