I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
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If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.