@CherBear162

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

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@LlamaInaTux

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

@curlycomedy

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

@notacroc

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

@Mom_Overboard

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

@smithsara79

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

@small_blunder

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

@david8hughes

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

@BlairLoudly

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

@summerofbenny

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”