Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
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I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”