I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
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Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
All generalizations are stupid.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
If you want my opinion ask my wife