I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
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A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Ah yes. The three genders
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.