I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*