I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.