I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
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Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
do u think theres a butter planet?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.